xurnami: (darash)
It was made more public today that [personal profile] krinndnz and I broke up over Twitter. Those who have following me here and are behind the friends lock have known about this for a while from both sides.

The short of it is that Krinn and I had been in a relationship for about five years. We met originally in the comments to mutual friend's Livejournal. One of my reasons for moving to Seattle involved trying to be closer to her. More recently, there had been some stresses on our relationship and we were trying to work them out. Krinn decided to break it off instead about a month ago. This hurt me pretty deeply. Those who were close to me during the initial part would have seen that.

I was luckily in therapy already and was able to discuss some of it there. Krinn and I are also remaining friends after the breakup and are working on negotiating boundaries to keep both of us happy with our new relationship state.

When the United State of Pop 2014 came out, I ended up doing some research into the various songs in it. When I hit Say Something (Lyrics), it touched a number of nerves.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you/I'll be the one, if you want me to/Anywhere, I would've followed you" is a good representation of what I felt in that relationship. It was at the time the only relationship I was in after another one of mine finally failed at the beginning of the year. It was, even while I was in my other relationship, a much healthier one too.

"And I am feeling so small/It was over my head/I know nothing at all/And I will stumble and fall/I'm still learning to love/Just starting to crawl" is definitely a great representation of myself. I have not had many relationships and most all of them have been awful in various ways. Failures to communicate wants and needs. I've failed out of most of them.

"You're the one that I love/And I'm saying goodbye" is what I'm having to do now. I still care deeply for Krinn but I need to say goodbye to what I had there. This is and continues to be quite rough for me.

Part of the massive amounts of publishing I've been doing is due to this breakup. Trying to explain myself to others and work through my thoughts through writing, which is something Krinn taught me and has continued to encourage. I have some real difficulty reaching out to people and publishing is something I am much more comfortable with.

This really brings me back to the dawn of my serious internet life, Livejournal lyrics posts. Will they ever grow old? Thank you to anyone who listened to me.

September 2015

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