xurnami: (Default)
We are about three months from the end of the year and I'm not doing well. I decided I'd write some stuff here and maybe I'd get some advice or help or something. Let's start by going over my goals that I set out on at the beginning of the year:

Survive one more year at my job
I'm barely doing this. Every day is just even more struggle. I got sent into a depressive spiral today just from someone close to me mentioning their job was doing better and the sort of things I wanted out of my job they were getting. This is an endurance task but I still feel like a failure.

Attend one year of Magic: the Gathering tournaments
I started strong on this but the issues of travel, depression from the job, and other things like that has made this go poorly. I still enjoy playing Magic but I'm not sure I can really do the grinder lifestyle. This I'm already counting as a failure.

Start brainstorming what to do next.
It is three months before I'm leaving and the realization of that has not fully broke to me. I'm still pondering this out but as of now still a failure.

Create a better online presence for myself
My lack of design skills is killing me on this. I attempted to contract some people for this near the beginning of the year but that completely fell through and I didn't pick it up again. Counting this as another failure.

Expand social circle
It is three months before the end of the year and I'm feeling more isolated than when I started. I have met exactly one person outside of my normal social circle and I'm feeling even more isolated and locked out from the social circle I though I had through various things that have happened. Counting this as a failure as well.

2015 has continued to be a shit year for me. I write this after attending Rainfurrest where I feel I was ignored and passed over by people who I thought were my friends.

About the only thing I can even consider having done this entire year is decide what I'm going to change my name to on government paperwork at some point. I've spent the entire year just running in place. I'm not the better person I wanted to be at the beginning of the year. Oh, and you might note this has the Xurnami icon and OOC, I've decided to get rid of Darash as a character. Still not sure how to move around Twitter accounts yet but that will happen at some point.

I'm not happy and I'm not sure what to do. I wasn't going to come to this to try and cry for help but I didn't have anywhere else to run.
xurnami: (darash)
I disappeared for a bit after my most recent post and I figured that people deserved an update on that front.

I basically realized, with some help from people, that I was driving myself insane from staying at home all the time after work. Along with that, my therapist had suggested that I'm building a skillset for attracting attention to my depression in social media environments but that doing that is not the greatest use of my time either.

I spent the majority of this week getting out of the house and visiting other people instead. It was pretty great and I think I could stand to do even more than I did last week. I also re-re-re-started an exercise program and shifting my schedule around working with that which has also been helpful for dealing with my depression.

I'm going to be shifting downwards a bit just how much I am writing here except when I really have something to say that makes sense to this medium. I'm also going to move some posts to my website I'm working on to give them a more permanant location along with updates related to my recent realizations about asexuality.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me talk these things out and had me over in the past week. I hope to keep this up into the weeks, months, and years to come.
xurnami: (darash)
I sent out a cry for help this morning on Twitter about how I was close to a mental breakdown and requested hugs. Thank you to everyone who responded yet again. Rather than spamming Twitter more, I decided to write a longer post containing everything on my mind at the moment.

Near term difficulties:
Lack of sleep in Denver culminating in probably 3-4 hours of sleep this morning.
Some elements of Seasonal Affective Disorder and general holiday stress.
Missing one and a half holiday parties due to travel requirements for the Grand Prix.
Today's travel being hellish and being stuck in airports all day.

Short term difficulties:
Still dealing with my break up with Krinn.
Dealing with having hurt someone else close to me due to my own realizations about my sexuality and a lack of compatability around what was desired in a relationship.
Deciding if my goals were misbuilt, especially the one about trying to get better at Magic: the Gathering.

Long term difficulties:
Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook and the occasional conversation.
Having 20-30 unique people responding to my cry this morning and yet getting next to no response on any of the above posts or many of the other longer things I post.
Fear around trying to be more social and being a bother to the people around me locally or online.

For those wondering, yes, I am in therapy and have been discussing these things with her. They still weigh quite heavily upon me and I had a culmination of things which led to the cry this morning.

I am not sure what I need at this point. But I'd appreciate any advice people have.

September 2015

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