[OOC] Stream of conciousness about my current feelings

[xurnami]

I sent out a cry for help this morning on Twitter about how I was close to a mental breakdown and requested hugs. Thank you to everyone who responded yet again. Rather than spamming Twitter more, I decided to write a longer post containing everything on my mind at the moment.

Near term difficulties:
Lack of sleep in Denver culminating in probably 3-4 hours of sleep this morning.
Some elements of Seasonal Affective Disorder and general holiday stress.
Missing one and a half holiday parties due to travel requirements for the Grand Prix.
Today's travel being hellish and being stuck in airports all day.

Short term difficulties:
Still dealing with my break up with Krinn.
Dealing with having hurt someone else close to me due to my own realizations about my sexuality and a lack of compatability around what was desired in a relationship.
Deciding if my goals were misbuilt, especially the one about trying to get better at Magic: the Gathering.

Long term difficulties:
Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook and the occasional conversation.
Having 20-30 unique people responding to my cry this morning and yet getting next to no response on any of the above posts or many of the other longer things I post.
Fear around trying to be more social and being a bother to the people around me locally or online.

For those wondering, yes, I am in therapy and have been discussing these things with her. They still weigh quite heavily upon me and I had a culmination of things which led to the cry this morning.

I am not sure what I need at this point. But I'd appreciate any advice people have.

Comments

[rubrquun]

Full disclosure! :) I know how helpful it can be to break the ice like this sometimes, so here goes. Hope it's okay I'm dumping this all in semi-public -- there's some stuff on here that it wouldn't hurt for everybody to know!

I like you; you're on the list of people I'd like to get to know better. I am probably one of the very worst people in this group at taking the initiative on this matter, because I suck at logistics. :) I have the classic adult ADD tendency to go to pieces when I have too many tasks to juggle. And I tend to run very low energy due to my endocrine issues, so I'm at about 40% battery life at max charge for weeks at a time. Plus, my "critical battery" error messages tend to manifest as bad temper, cynicism, or outright stupidity, and when I get like that, all I want to do is hide and spare people.

So any shyness you read out of me is largely avoidance because I'm down on *me*, not down on you. All in all, I very rarely am the one to initiate social contact in *any* of my friendships. So any lack of signals from me does not denote a lack of interest, just a lack of... well, dopamine, to really put a fine point on it. :)

You are also Terra Incognita for me sometimes, because I've sussed you out (perhaps incorrectly) as being of a really different personality type than mine, one that I often have difficulty reading. This is a completely neutral trait as far as I'm concerned, and I had similar starting issues with Kristy when I first got to know her, so I'll bet it's VERY surmountable. I am just... a little afraid of you when my energy level is low. I current have to spend that extra action point, as it were, to brace myself for a potentially awkward interaction. This is not because of anything wrong with you, just the usual "learning to read a new social contact" stuff.

A quick glimpse into my schematics: I'm usually in low-grade panic that I'm about to stick my foot into my mouth and totally embarrass myself. n.n; I have a LOT of difficulty grasping that I'm wanted or have any clout in this community, especially in a depressive phase. But when I'm up, I'm often bouncing off the walls. I think you've seen me like this at cons. :) Best way to flush me out is usually a low-key group activity, one where I have plenty of conversational backup if my energy flags. (I have a lot of trouble not compulsively filling conversational holes; if there are more than two people, there's more social "white noise" and it's easier for me to deal.)

I would LOVE to do more boardgaming with you. My only hesitation is that you are intimidatingly smart and focused compared to me and I suspect I will get PLOWED. :D If you're looking for a bonding exercise, I'd be honored for some strategy tips over a game of something good and crunchy, actually!

Hope this is helpful and not just a big bowl of TMI. :D (I've been skittish this year myself, you have my fullest sympathies. *hug* )

[xurnami]

Why don't I be direct with this? I don't believe I have any good contact information for you beyond say a private message here or DMs on Twitter. Is there a contact method you'd prefer me to reach out to you over when I'm interested in coming over and bringing some board games to play and see if you are available for them? If one of those is the best for that, let me know.

I just got the complete set of Yomi and I've heard you are interested in that and I have lots of other games too. Yomi in particular is extremely deep and I'm not sure I've got it figured out either. I'd also love to sit down and play some chunkier eurogames and such too with you.

Let me know how it is best to contact you and I'll try and pick up the slack there myself. :)

[rubrquun]

Currently e-mail to nbrienza@gmail.com (or postvixen@gmail.com will forward to the same place) is the best method! Generally weekends are best for me, but late in the week can often work too, depending on how much of my day job I've gotten done during the week. I am DEFINITELY interested in playing Yomi!