[OOC] Stream of conciousness about my current feelings

[xurnami]

I sent out a cry for help this morning on Twitter about how I was close to a mental breakdown and requested hugs. Thank you to everyone who responded yet again. Rather than spamming Twitter more, I decided to write a longer post containing everything on my mind at the moment.

Near term difficulties:
Lack of sleep in Denver culminating in probably 3-4 hours of sleep this morning.
Some elements of Seasonal Affective Disorder and general holiday stress.
Missing one and a half holiday parties due to travel requirements for the Grand Prix.
Today's travel being hellish and being stuck in airports all day.

Short term difficulties:
Still dealing with my break up with Krinn.
Dealing with having hurt someone else close to me due to my own realizations about my sexuality and a lack of compatability around what was desired in a relationship.
Deciding if my goals were misbuilt, especially the one about trying to get better at Magic: the Gathering.

Long term difficulties:
Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook and the occasional conversation.
Having 20-30 unique people responding to my cry this morning and yet getting next to no response on any of the above posts or many of the other longer things I post.
Fear around trying to be more social and being a bother to the people around me locally or online.

For those wondering, yes, I am in therapy and have been discussing these things with her. They still weigh quite heavily upon me and I had a culmination of things which led to the cry this morning.

I am not sure what I need at this point. But I'd appreciate any advice people have.

Comments

[momentrabbit]

I know, it's frustrating. Feels like there's a forest of people out there, but when you pour yourself into anything that obligates a response greater than 140 characters, you're suddenly all alone in a clearing. And better yet, you can *see* the people interacting, but you can't take part. Some you even used to have relationships of importance with, and now you get to watch them.. have those things with others, while you stand in a clearing hurting and wonder if there's a glass wall around you.

(taps monitor glass reflectively)

Right now, this moment - or when you wrote that, perhaps, time's a bit weird for me - you're running on next-to-no-sleep, adrenaline, loss, and the discombobulation of air flight and alienation. A lot of the pain you're feeling is real and I cast no bones about it, it sucks and there is *nothing* I can say to do anything about it, save perhaps that it's not unique. Cold comfort. The other part of the pain is born of the noise and the travel and the game and the sleep deprivation. That, you can address.

Have some nourishing warm food. Get clean. Get comfortable. Put on music that doesn't have painful memories. Have a nap.

Feel better. *hug*

[xurnami]

I don't care if people respond to my posts with 140 characters themselves. It is one of the reasons I post everything here to Twitter as well to try and catch those people too.

As of this moment, I am still in an airport terminal waiting for the first shot at a standby flight. I won't be home for a number of hours still in the worst case.

[momentrabbit]

Then I hope your flight situation is speedily resolved: airlines try my patience at the best of time, and I know they're not making things easier for you, either.

[gnarl]

Hi, um, I'm not sure if this comment will appear with my name on it or not because I'm not at all sure how to use this site yet, but I just wanted to say that I particularly identify with the fear of being a bother when trying to be social.

It's a huge thing for me and I haven't seem to have made any real progress in more than 2 years. I'm still trying, though, but that's not why I wanted to leave a comment.

I wanted to reach out to show I care, which I guess has some sort of underlying selfish element of being seen and supportive that I need to work on. Maybe.

Um... well, yeah, I relate to that particular thing so much, and a few of your other problems here. Not as much as I'd like, so that I could offer some really helpful advice, but enough that I felt like I should say that.

Sorry for the rambling here. Hopefully we can talk more soon (re: sometime) and I hope you have some friendly faces and support around you right now.

I will say that I very much enjoyed meeting you at the last RF and I still thank you for being a friend to someone you barely knew. You seem like a good person, and if nothing else, I respect that and wish you the best for it.

I'm not good at this, so I'll sign off now. I'll try to comment more actively on your stuff here, if that's okay.

- G

[xurnami]

Thank you for responding. Everything seemed to come out just fine.

As a note, if you do reach out to me, you will not be a bother to me at all.

And please, feel free to comment on whatever you want.

I hope to be around more friendly faces soon. But right now, still stuck in the airport.

[brushwolf]

Read. Still kinda digesting this.

Now, if this were me, I know that a batch of bad losses at a tournament would hit all of the old messages about "obviously I must be not just incompetent, but innately incompetent, and here I'm supposed to be/required to be the genius," frustration about feeling trapped ("I have to be officially smart, but what if I can't quite pull it off because say, I'm innately terrible"), and the money spent on the activity would set off this huge cascade of self-hate about being irresponsible. This is what I'd get, and I don't know how much of it is applicable to how you'd grown up - so I figured I'd put it out there in case some of it pings.

Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook

I remember you tweeting about something with that, a few days back - so I can see that this is a big long term thing on your mind. I'd wonder whether this is connected to the social stuff earlier - you were obviously so vital to the connected group of people in South Bay, that having chunks of that fall apart/move away/moving away from that would call pretty much every bit of "what am I really doing for the community?" thing into question. I can see how this might become even more of a thing in Seattle, since there are some pretty obviously strong personalities in the group of people you're around now.

Also, if I'm overstepping my boundaries, please, please tell me that I'm being a little too whatever, 'k?

[xurnami]

I did not have as much of an issue with the losses in the tournament (thought I did tilt a little during it). The larger issue was the lost opportunity cost that this particular tournament had. Had I had better success, I feel the opportunity cost would have been better but instead I was tired and frustrated most of the weekend instead.

I had to leave the South Bay and the Bay Area in general due to the situation that happened there. In the last few months I had nobody around me at all. I was going nuts then already.

You are not overstepping your boundaries.

[rax]

I don't have too much to say about most of it, other than good luck. The sexuality/gender stuff sounds good, rock on, I didn't comment because I don't really have anything to say other than that. On whether getting really good at a game is a worthwhile goal: I think it's incredibly worthwhile, but whittling away at yourself to make yourself knife-sharp does involve whittling away at yourself. It is not always fun, it is often painful, and if it isn't its own reward, it may not be for you. When it works out, though, it's just so amazing. Whatever you decide, I hope it serves you well.

[xurnami]

In the future, the simple "rock on" comments would still be appreciated. Even if you do it just on Twitter. I still see it and know that people are getting the memo and not just ignoring it.

I enjoy playing the game quite a bit. Even on the trip home I was reading decklists and playing Hearthstone. But I'm not sure I should be doing this right now either. It might be something I should put off for another year or so till I am more stable in other ways. Maybe scale back from GPs and focus instead on local tournaments and PPTQs instead.

[rax]

I appreciate that desire and will try to do that more often, but there's no way I'll be able to respond to everything; there is too much content put out by people I care about.

Focusing on local tournaments is one way to scale back. I find that sometimes games can give me stability in other parts of my life but that still comes with an energy cost that I have to be prepared to pay? GPs are hard for me (even though oh my god I want to go to all of them) because they are not socially recharging at all in the way a local tournament or similar can be. I suspect the same may be true for you, though use or discard as needed?

[xurnami]

Completely understood about that first part.

And yeah, I think had instead of going to GP Denver I went to the the Card Kingdom PTQ/PPTQ that was going on the same weekend I would have been able to have similar results while still being closer to home and not giving up as much opportunity cost.

[toyemanate]

When I first popped back on DW a few months ago, I remember posting 'hey, please remember to comment on everything!', and yet I still don't follow it myself. I'm still trying to develop good habits (and emotionally safe ones) around reading and responding to DW posts. It's so much easier to offer a hug via Twitter, because I'm usually reading that casually on my phone or tablet.

It's not even time needed to process and reply to things, really. DW has turned out to take a bit more emotional bandwidth than I expected, in many ways (and not just from your posts). I read your posts, but I often don't know how to helpfully reply--and I get a lot of emotional anxiety sometimes, when I feel like anything I say is going to sound bad or misread. I've had a lot of text-related misunderstandings and tonal failures that make me anxious about using this sort of medium to communicate effectively. And sometimes I just really don't know what to say that's going to help, when people I know are struggling with depression. When I was depressed I never knew what to tell people, and I didn't reach out very much.

I also have the problem of not getting any feedback, so all I can really do here is try to be better at commenting. I wish DW had a function that was "I read and acknowledge this" without having to actually write a comment out.

Sorry if I've only commented on one thing out of many, I just don't know what to say about the other things. :-/

[xurnami]

If you want a low impact way of sending a "I read an acknowledge this" sending a fave on Twitter or a short response there is completely acceptable to me.

After discussing with some other people, part of the problem is that I only have this as a place to talk about these things since I'm not seeing people in person. Hopefully we can work out something to see one another with more regularity to discuss things like this while avoiding the perils of text.

[nickylion]

I can safely say that I don't think your magic goals are mis-built. I think you're a good player, you make solid choices and you definitely have the capacity to perform well at a large scale event. But these things take time and a lot of effort to develop the mental muscle memory necessary.

How much do you take in the way of notes during a game? Is it reasonable to see if you could put together a tournament report after the fact? (these are things I used to do even if I didn't post them anywhere because it gave me practice in analyzing where I failed and what behaviors I was prone to once the moment had passed).

On the more long-term goals stuffs - Rather than what you feel you have to offer to people, how bout instead: What do you *want* to offer to people? It's a small distinction, but it's something worth thinking about maybe?

And for my own piece on the subject of being a bother - you're not and haven't ever been a bother socially. I wish I was better at this myself, so in the interest of that - How does Wednesday January 14th work for hanging out with you? I don't know what we could do, but I'd be up for trying to talk about some of the things you mentioned here or just play some magic and run some various decks.

[xurnami]

I should be taking more notes definitely and this is a great idea. Along with doing a tournament report of some form somewhere. I still think scaling down a little bit might be in order.

I was out tonight talking with indicoyote and elanna about the offering people stuff and there are some plans in motion on my part now.

I would love to get together with you on that date. Consider it a thing. I'll get in contact with you soon to clear up anything else. :)

[rubrquun]

Full disclosure! :) I know how helpful it can be to break the ice like this sometimes, so here goes. Hope it's okay I'm dumping this all in semi-public -- there's some stuff on here that it wouldn't hurt for everybody to know!

I like you; you're on the list of people I'd like to get to know better. I am probably one of the very worst people in this group at taking the initiative on this matter, because I suck at logistics. :) I have the classic adult ADD tendency to go to pieces when I have too many tasks to juggle. And I tend to run very low energy due to my endocrine issues, so I'm at about 40% battery life at max charge for weeks at a time. Plus, my "critical battery" error messages tend to manifest as bad temper, cynicism, or outright stupidity, and when I get like that, all I want to do is hide and spare people.

So any shyness you read out of me is largely avoidance because I'm down on *me*, not down on you. All in all, I very rarely am the one to initiate social contact in *any* of my friendships. So any lack of signals from me does not denote a lack of interest, just a lack of... well, dopamine, to really put a fine point on it. :)

You are also Terra Incognita for me sometimes, because I've sussed you out (perhaps incorrectly) as being of a really different personality type than mine, one that I often have difficulty reading. This is a completely neutral trait as far as I'm concerned, and I had similar starting issues with Kristy when I first got to know her, so I'll bet it's VERY surmountable. I am just... a little afraid of you when my energy level is low. I current have to spend that extra action point, as it were, to brace myself for a potentially awkward interaction. This is not because of anything wrong with you, just the usual "learning to read a new social contact" stuff.

A quick glimpse into my schematics: I'm usually in low-grade panic that I'm about to stick my foot into my mouth and totally embarrass myself. n.n; I have a LOT of difficulty grasping that I'm wanted or have any clout in this community, especially in a depressive phase. But when I'm up, I'm often bouncing off the walls. I think you've seen me like this at cons. :) Best way to flush me out is usually a low-key group activity, one where I have plenty of conversational backup if my energy flags. (I have a lot of trouble not compulsively filling conversational holes; if there are more than two people, there's more social "white noise" and it's easier for me to deal.)

I would LOVE to do more boardgaming with you. My only hesitation is that you are intimidatingly smart and focused compared to me and I suspect I will get PLOWED. :D If you're looking for a bonding exercise, I'd be honored for some strategy tips over a game of something good and crunchy, actually!

Hope this is helpful and not just a big bowl of TMI. :D (I've been skittish this year myself, you have my fullest sympathies. *hug* )

[xurnami]

Why don't I be direct with this? I don't believe I have any good contact information for you beyond say a private message here or DMs on Twitter. Is there a contact method you'd prefer me to reach out to you over when I'm interested in coming over and bringing some board games to play and see if you are available for them? If one of those is the best for that, let me know.

I just got the complete set of Yomi and I've heard you are interested in that and I have lots of other games too. Yomi in particular is extremely deep and I'm not sure I've got it figured out either. I'd also love to sit down and play some chunkier eurogames and such too with you.

Let me know how it is best to contact you and I'll try and pick up the slack there myself. :)

[rubrquun]

Currently e-mail to nbrienza@gmail.com (or postvixen@gmail.com will forward to the same place) is the best method! Generally weekends are best for me, but late in the week can often work too, depending on how much of my day job I've gotten done during the week. I am DEFINITELY interested in playing Yomi!

[tixagon]

I feel for you, 'Nami.

Looks like there's a lot of solid advice here, and written more eloquently than I could manage.

It's been a long while since I last saw 18 comments on a DW post! ♥