[OOC] Stream of conciousness about my current feelings

[xurnami]

I sent out a cry for help this morning on Twitter about how I was close to a mental breakdown and requested hugs. Thank you to everyone who responded yet again. Rather than spamming Twitter more, I decided to write a longer post containing everything on my mind at the moment.

Near term difficulties:
Lack of sleep in Denver culminating in probably 3-4 hours of sleep this morning.
Some elements of Seasonal Affective Disorder and general holiday stress.
Missing one and a half holiday parties due to travel requirements for the Grand Prix.
Today's travel being hellish and being stuck in airports all day.

Short term difficulties:
Still dealing with my break up with Krinn.
Dealing with having hurt someone else close to me due to my own realizations about my sexuality and a lack of compatability around what was desired in a relationship.
Deciding if my goals were misbuilt, especially the one about trying to get better at Magic: the Gathering.

Long term difficulties:
Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook and the occasional conversation.
Having 20-30 unique people responding to my cry this morning and yet getting next to no response on any of the above posts or many of the other longer things I post.
Fear around trying to be more social and being a bother to the people around me locally or online.

For those wondering, yes, I am in therapy and have been discussing these things with her. They still weigh quite heavily upon me and I had a culmination of things which led to the cry this morning.

I am not sure what I need at this point. But I'd appreciate any advice people have.

Comments

[rax]

I don't have too much to say about most of it, other than good luck. The sexuality/gender stuff sounds good, rock on, I didn't comment because I don't really have anything to say other than that. On whether getting really good at a game is a worthwhile goal: I think it's incredibly worthwhile, but whittling away at yourself to make yourself knife-sharp does involve whittling away at yourself. It is not always fun, it is often painful, and if it isn't its own reward, it may not be for you. When it works out, though, it's just so amazing. Whatever you decide, I hope it serves you well.

[xurnami]

In the future, the simple "rock on" comments would still be appreciated. Even if you do it just on Twitter. I still see it and know that people are getting the memo and not just ignoring it.

I enjoy playing the game quite a bit. Even on the trip home I was reading decklists and playing Hearthstone. But I'm not sure I should be doing this right now either. It might be something I should put off for another year or so till I am more stable in other ways. Maybe scale back from GPs and focus instead on local tournaments and PPTQs instead.

[rax]

I appreciate that desire and will try to do that more often, but there's no way I'll be able to respond to everything; there is too much content put out by people I care about.

Focusing on local tournaments is one way to scale back. I find that sometimes games can give me stability in other parts of my life but that still comes with an energy cost that I have to be prepared to pay? GPs are hard for me (even though oh my god I want to go to all of them) because they are not socially recharging at all in the way a local tournament or similar can be. I suspect the same may be true for you, though use or discard as needed?

[xurnami]

Completely understood about that first part.

And yeah, I think had instead of going to GP Denver I went to the the Card Kingdom PTQ/PPTQ that was going on the same weekend I would have been able to have similar results while still being closer to home and not giving up as much opportunity cost.