[OOC] Stream of conciousness about my current feelings

[xurnami]

I sent out a cry for help this morning on Twitter about how I was close to a mental breakdown and requested hugs. Thank you to everyone who responded yet again. Rather than spamming Twitter more, I decided to write a longer post containing everything on my mind at the moment.

Near term difficulties:
Lack of sleep in Denver culminating in probably 3-4 hours of sleep this morning.
Some elements of Seasonal Affective Disorder and general holiday stress.
Missing one and a half holiday parties due to travel requirements for the Grand Prix.
Today's travel being hellish and being stuck in airports all day.

Short term difficulties:
Still dealing with my break up with Krinn.
Dealing with having hurt someone else close to me due to my own realizations about my sexuality and a lack of compatability around what was desired in a relationship.
Deciding if my goals were misbuilt, especially the one about trying to get better at Magic: the Gathering.

Long term difficulties:
Feeling like the only thing I offer the community around me is my checkbook and the occasional conversation.
Having 20-30 unique people responding to my cry this morning and yet getting next to no response on any of the above posts or many of the other longer things I post.
Fear around trying to be more social and being a bother to the people around me locally or online.

For those wondering, yes, I am in therapy and have been discussing these things with her. They still weigh quite heavily upon me and I had a culmination of things which led to the cry this morning.

I am not sure what I need at this point. But I'd appreciate any advice people have.

Comments

[xurnami]

In the future, the simple "rock on" comments would still be appreciated. Even if you do it just on Twitter. I still see it and know that people are getting the memo and not just ignoring it.

I enjoy playing the game quite a bit. Even on the trip home I was reading decklists and playing Hearthstone. But I'm not sure I should be doing this right now either. It might be something I should put off for another year or so till I am more stable in other ways. Maybe scale back from GPs and focus instead on local tournaments and PPTQs instead.

[rax]

I appreciate that desire and will try to do that more often, but there's no way I'll be able to respond to everything; there is too much content put out by people I care about.

Focusing on local tournaments is one way to scale back. I find that sometimes games can give me stability in other parts of my life but that still comes with an energy cost that I have to be prepared to pay? GPs are hard for me (even though oh my god I want to go to all of them) because they are not socially recharging at all in the way a local tournament or similar can be. I suspect the same may be true for you, though use or discard as needed?

[xurnami]

Completely understood about that first part.

And yeah, I think had instead of going to GP Denver I went to the the Card Kingdom PTQ/PPTQ that was going on the same weekend I would have been able to have similar results while still being closer to home and not giving up as much opportunity cost.